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Happy Reading!

Twist Ties: A Universe Awaits

I have a statement to make. It may seem controversial, you may not like it, and I may be dragged out of the known universe by my earlobe for saying this, but...

STOP TALKING ABOUT DUCT TAPE!!! 

Now, before you kick me off the internet, let me explain: duct tape is fantastic in its own right. You can use it for home repair, car repair, paper airplanes, and real airplanes. It can stop a leak in everything from a beaver dam to the Hoover Dam. It is an active member of Mensa and can perform brain surgery. You can even use it on ducts! But I think we can all agree that, at this point, Old Man Duct Tape is perfectly happy to be his awesome multitasking self in the world without ticker tape parades and Mythbusters episodes in his honor. It's time we all focused on his sadly overlooked yet incredibly meaningful second cousin, the Twist Tie!

"Oh, that's right!" you're thinking right now. "Those things we get with bread loaves from the grocery store." Yes, those would be the same twist ties you're referring to, but it really is time that we stopped seeing them as simply the keepers of our baked goods, and started viewing them for the ultra-bendy, not-so-spendy, working-class breadwinners they really are! These guys stand up to anything you throw their way, and through thick and thin, they are always there for you, always hoping for you to notice their true worth. Clean out your kitchen drawers right now, and guaranteed you'll find one or two of these bad boys, just waiting to be used. The more you forget about them, the more they appear -- like fruitcakes or starfruit, but more useful. And edible.

Bottom line:

Why? Because twist ties can be everything from fun savers to life savers. A universe of bendy possibilities awaits you. Like...

• Emergency Toothpicks!
  
  Just ate a tough, regrettable steak? It's your friend the twist tie to the rescue! Just strip some plastic and dig deep into that gum, and boom, meat no more! (Bleeding is normal.)
  
• DIY Quilts!
  
  Imagine the smiles on the faces of your grandchildren when they receive your handmade, slightly scratchy quilt this Christmas. Feel the love.
  
• Kinder, Gentler Citizens' Arrest!
  
  Handcuffs are offensive. So when I arrest you someday, I will use twist ties to bind your mitts. You're welcome.
  
• International Diplomacy!
  
  Vladimir Putin and our own President are not on good terms right now. But what could be friendlier than if someone made the two specially designed, eco-friendly twist tie friendship bracelets? Cold War? What Cold War? Guys, this could really work...
  
  
  
• Avert Disasters!
  
  It's a quiet morning. Tranquil fog lifts up from the earth as the sun shines through the atmosphere and into the windows of the sleeping neighborhoods. Suddenly, the air thunders with noise of the careening, unmanned train, minutes away from derailment. Trailing behind is its toxic cargo: tons of nitric acid. Moving ahead of it all, a smaller engine carries the hero of this tale: you. Twist ties in hand, the locomotive slows every second, inching dangerously close to the train of death, until your outstretched arm can barely reach the hitch leading at the front. Quickly creating a extra long chain of twist ties, you reach the hitch and loop the makeshift rope around and back to hitch on your car. The trains begin to slow as you pull with all your strength, until, yards before the curve that almost certainly would send both off the rails... you come to an triumphant stop.
  Twist Ties: 1. Train of Death: 0.

Regardless of how you use them, twist ties can and should be a welcome addition to your already awesome life. From making blankets to making friends, twist ties deserve to be placed on the same pedestal where duct tape stands today. That is why we have created twist ties "The Official Multitasking Tool of Dolphin Blog". You're welcome, universe.

The Best Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Song Lyrics

Christmastime is here, and you know what that means: creepiness all around. It may not be obvious in December, but what about those other 11 excruciating months of waiting? It's in those times we see the compulsive shopping network stalkers collecting porcelain reindeer figurines. It's in those times that the words "he sees you when you're sleeping" really come to a deeply disturbing peak. Yet when the holiday season rears it's festive head once again, we seem to forget how unintentionally creepy our beloved Yuletide can come off as. So, this year, while you chug eggnog, binge on gingerbread, and attempt to wrap bizarrely shaped objects in new and creative ways, remember to look for these purely coincidental disturbing gems in your favorite carols.

• "So hang your stockings and say your prayers / 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight."
  (Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry)
  
  Not only does this make St. Nick sound like a horror movie villain, but it also encourages children to fear the big man in red instead of, you know, be happy about Christmas and all. And yet we wonder why so many kids hate mall Santas? Don't parents have enough childhood psychological problems to deal with already? Plus, the spoken part at the beginning of the song names Santa Claus as "that most popular man all over the world". Fear of popular people: sounds like high school to me.

• "Now bring me some figgy pudding... we won't go until we get some."
  (We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Various Artists)
  
  This basically sums up why people hate having guests over for the holidays. Same story, every year: they won't go until they get some. Now, if only we knew what figgy pudding actually is...
  
• "When they found her Christmas mornin' / at the scene of the attack / There were hoof prints on her forehead / And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back."
  (Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by The Irish Rovers)
  
  This is the fillet mignon of bad Christmas music; the entire song is a train wreck, really, but these lines stand out among the rest. From the graphic injury descriptions to that awful Santa pun, there's a lot of evidence in these lines alone that the writers of this song deserve a good long break in a nice cozy padded room somewhere. Also, what up with the violent Santa lyrics again? Maybe the classic Christmas song writers knew something about St. Nick that we don't...

• "Later on, we'll conspire / as we dream by the fire / to face unafraid / the plans that we've made..."
  (Winter Wonderland by Bing Crosby)
  
  This song actually has lots of... issues, ranging anywhere from pretending a snowman is a circus clown and alligators somehow destroying said snowman, to what suspiciously sounds like people trying to use a pickup line with Parson Brown (no joke, look up the lyrics!). But perhaps the creepiest lyric of all is this jewel, supposedly about Bonnie and Clyde plotting their next crime by a roaring flame. I'm not quite sure what the writer was going for here, but whatever this poetic piece of work was intended for, it certainly succeeded in being disturbing.
  
  
  

• "I'd like to sing about all the things / your eyes and mind can see..."
  (Step Into Christmas by Elton John)
  
  Not with Elton John, I wouldn't...
  

• "She didn't see me creep / down the stairs to have a peek..."
  (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Perry Como)
  
  This song could be aptly renamed "A Voyeurism Christmas". What's this kid doing spying on his Mom smooching anybody? No more need be said here, people: this song is just gross all around.
  
  
• "Hail the worm, ye lads and lasses!"
  (A Cabos Carol by Vanna Bonta)
  
  This is actually a more recent Latin American Christmas carol, sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls". The whole song is basically a description of Christmastime in Mexico, which isn't a bad thing at all. My only question is: what the heck is "the worm"? Why would I hail it? What does this have to do with Christmas?! If this is supposed to describe Christmas in Mexico, I am never in my life going south for the winter...
  
  
  
  

Whatever you end up listening to this year, remember that it's ultimately not about the cookies, or the guests, or the train wreck Christmas carols: it's about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spreading the hope and joy that He brings. Maybe you liked some of the songs that I just lambasted, but that's OK too -- I don't mean to offend anyone, this is all in good fun. And even if you end up never viewing these songs in the same way again, hopefully it will just add to the happiness of the holidays. Who knows? Maybe the thought of alligators destroying snow sculptures is just what you need to make the season bright.

The Top 11 Things To Do With A Sandwich

We all know that life is full of sad truths, including fast food being bad for you, Santa Claus's complete rejection of everybody over eight years old, and Snoop Lion's music career (there, I said it!). There's actually plenty enough to make a separate Top 11 list out of, too, but we at Atomic Monkey like to look at the positives in life, and, let's face it, Snoop Lion ain't one of them. That is why I feel that there's a pressing issue in our society that simply must be solved!

It's difficult, but let's face it:
sandwiches are fun, until they aren't.


Sure, we all love a good BLT on white, or a pastrami on rye, or even a peanut butter-Nutella-bacon-french fries on a croissant (the official sandwich of Atomic Monkey). But after a few thousand of them, the idea of a good sandwich doesn't seem so good anymore. Look at it this way:

Cat: fine. Many cats: not so fine.
Hug: OK. Group hugs: not OK.
Twilight book: bad. Twilight series: even worse.

In other words, too much of a good (or bad) thing is not a good thing. So, I got to thinking: what do we do when eating sandwiches becomes a bore? Isn't there anything else we can do with them? The answer, luckily, is a firm YES... with a bit of random and slightly sadistic imagination.

That is why I created this list of the Top 11 Things You Can Do with a Sandwich:

11. Make Copies Of It With A Photocopier

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that you can't clone sandwiches. But, look, if you've got a Xerox and an unwanted Reuben, the least you could do is kill some time before you throw that thing away (the Xerox, I mean -- who uses those things anymore?).

10. See What Happens To It When You Put It In Water

The scientific chaos theory assumes that everything in the universe is falling into a state of complete disorder. So why not speed up the process? Plus, you can make prop bets with others over whether the onion or the spinach will separate from the turkey breast first.

9. Bury It In Rejection

Think more Grumpy Cat than Steven King. You want rejection, not interrogation.

8. Perform Surgery On It

Scalpel. Razor. Pickle.

7. Make a Sandwich Out Of The Sandwich

The ultra-popular YouTube channel "Epic Meal Team" has forever changed the definition of a great meal. I simply cannot look at food I make for myself without thinking, "Is this epic, or just meh?" And usually the answer for a lot of us is "meh". And our lives are too short to settle for "meh". I want to be able to live with "meh"self! So, when life gets too "meh" for your taste, just make an exact replica of the sandwich in question, and use the two sandwiches as buns for another sandwich. End of story.

6. Use It As An Instrument

Who knew that floppy lettuce, slippery tomato and soggy ham can sound just like a viola?

5. Put It On A Dartboard and Throw Darts At It

"If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations."
Ever wish you could have expert eye-hand coordination? Instead of aiming for that tiny little bullseye on the dartboard, just nail that unwanted sandwich on and start chucking. Then, eventually, work your way up to the big leagues. Or not. You never know; sandwich darts may be your sport.

4. Blow It Up

Part "Duck Dynasty", part Fourth of July, all "kiss your boring sandwich on the lips goodbye". From a few roman candles to a box of TNT, there's more than one way to send off your dull attempt at deliciousness in a ball of flame. Choose your location wisely, however. It could be the difference between a free thrill and a free police escort.


3. Throw It At Someone

"Taste the mayo, jerk!"

2. Throw It In A Bag and Give It To Someone

Probably a better option than pitching a PB&J and somebody's forehead (unless it's a close
relative; they love that). Plus, [insert sappy monologue about giving to charity here.]

1. Make A Twitter Account for it

https://twitter.com/SenorHam

And whatever sandwich-related problem you may find yourself in, just remember: there are millions of people in the world that would kill for that stale tuna on Wonder bread you're holding in your hand. That leaves you with only a couple of options. You could eat the sandwich and be grateful for it (which is never a bad thing). But if not, whatever you end up doing with it... make sure it's completely epic.

When Life Gives You Starfruit

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Whoever first spoke that age-old saying obviously didn't anticipate the hilarious Vine compilations that can result from a few unwanted yellow citrus...




But nothing against him, of course -- he was probably just narrowing down his options when he chose lemonade. Still, there's a lot of other things you can do with lemons besides squeezing their life fluids into a pitcher. From candy to pie to bathroom cleaner, lemons are just versatile as heck! So we salute you, lemons... but this post still isn't about you. 

No, this is about your useless, non-versatile second cousin twice-removed, the starfruit!



These guys have a weird crunchy texture and absolutely zero taste, besides sugar. If these guys were music fans, they would be jamming to Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7. Imagine biting into an uncooked potato while blaring ABBA; that's what it's like eating one of these things. And I hate them!

I understand that many people eat starfruit on a regular basis in tropical countries (poor them). And, yes, if I was on a deserted island with nothing but starfruit trees, I would probably start picking them off and eating (poor me). But we're living in the First World, people! And these guys are in the grocery store sitting next to our delicious oranges and mangoes like they've been friends forever. But they haven't been! Food wise, starfruit is a fraud.

But, with the the holidays coming up, there's still a chance that you'll get stuck with one in a fruit basket sent by that annoying relative in Massachusetts because he couldn't make it this year (because you didn't invite him) (because reasons). Don't worry, though, there's still other things you can do besides stuffing it down your gullet, including...

5. Play football with it!

Imagine the wonderful family memories that can be made when you and your third favorite uncle start running pass plays with a whole starfruit this Thanksgiving...

4. Use it as a dryer ball!

Wrinkle free sweaters, and leaves a pleasant waxy scent!

3. Load a cannon with it!

Oh, you drove through my flower bed, across-the-street neighbor? That's cool. Then you probably won't mind me shooting a starfruit through the paneling of your house. Merry Christmas. 

2. Make it your pet!

Draw a face and make some space: you have a brand new companion! No judgment from me. Some people have pet rocks. You have a pet starfruit. To each his own. 

1. Firewood!

Sugar burns well, and look, these guys are so hard, you might as well treat it as wood. Throw it in with the yule log and the old Lionel Ritchie CD, and you got a cozy, roaring flame. Mix and mingle, dude. 

The point here is that we should all learn to make do with what we have. Even though starfruit is a true con-artist of the food world, we should still be a good host in case one is unexpectedly dropped on our doorstep. And, trust me: once you've fumbled it, drawn on it, sent it through the dryer, burned it, and basically blown it to pieces, you will start seeing the true value of these annoying little fruit impostors.