Happy Boxing Day!

Yep, it's that time of the year again. The food, the family, the shopping ... the boxing!
Today's December 26th, and that means Boxing Day is upon us. But, seriously, have you tried searching American Google for anything about Boxing Day, or St. Stephen's Day, or Day of Good Will, or Day of the Wren (whatever that means)? Most of us U.S. of A'ers haven't even heard of this glorious holiday! So, I'm giving you the inside scoop on what to do today if you want to show some respect to St. Stephen, or the Wren. The Wren would appreciate being though of, I think.

Boxing Day (like most other holidays) has two major aspects: tradition and commercialism. The tradition part has nothing to do with what we call boxing! Boxing Day "boxing" is the traditional wrapping of gifts by slave masters to give to their slaves. American boxing is two men punching each other over something shiny, also known as Black Friday. While the slave part of the holiday is (thankfully) gone, people still give gifts on December 26th in Great Britain and all of the former commonwealth countries.
There's also the Boxing Day hunt meet, where people in tight red leggings ride horses and shoot foxes for fun. As entertaining as that sounds, I think we'll leave this part of the holiday overseas.

And as for the commercial part, I've created this equation: take Black Friday, expand it to seven days, and multiply by five. Viola, Happy Boxing Day!

So, to all my foreign readers, have a great holiday! To all my American followers, give this holiday a chance. It can get rid of some of the gloom of the day after Christmas. Plus, if you add on the hunt meet, you got dinner for the next night too.

43 1/3 Inventions We Need Now! (#43 1/3 - #33)

Our world was built through them, thrive through them, and may go down with them. The inventions of the past 100 years have defined us, from the iPad to the Slurpee. But I think we can all agree that there is no reason we can't advance! What did they say to Albert Einstein and Uncle Ben's when they were experimenting? They all said, "You're insane, you can't just redefine the laws of physics as we know them!" But they both went on to do just that, Uncle Ben's with his delicious rice, and Einstein with that whole relativity thing he had...

And to those who think that we've run out of ideas, I have just two things to say to you:

1. (Slacker), and
2. Here's 43 1/3 of them:

#43 1/3: The Uber-Gulp 

Yes, perhaps there is an argument that 7-Eleven stores have already reached the final frontier in convenience foods. But these days, people don't just want convenience: they want uber-convenience! Which is why the Big Gulp franchise needs to be expanded, in the form of a 2 gallon cooler and a yard long bendy straw (which may also count as another 1/3 of an invention)...

#42: The Slurpee Keg

And while we're on the subject of gas stations, did you know that 62% of consumers say that "they don't get no satisfaction" when buying beverages at convenience stores? It's also important to note that 73% of statistics posted on the internet are fake. But regardless, when I want my Slurpee, I want it big, which is where a keg comes in handy.
(More on 7-Eleven in a later post...)

#41: The Mime-inator

... OK, fine, I stole that one from Phineas and Ferb. But Dr. Doofenshmirtz had a point when he trapped every mime in the Tri-State Area in a real invisible glass box. Mimes are creepy, they need to lay off on the box thing, it was old, like, fifty years ago? And you reap what you sow, so, hey...

#40: Deodorant Implants

You know those days when you know you have to wear deodorant and you really don't want to but you know you need to but it's a hassle and you can't find it and you're running late, so you go without and end up regretting it? One shot under the armpit, covered for four months. Boom. And speaking of boom...

#39: The "Boom!" Box

Some days it seems like your schedule tells you to go to the moon and back between 2:30 and 3:00. You're busy, you're talking, and one on your hands and your mouth are both filled with something you forgot was there, but you just heard someone say something that makes you wanna go "Boom!" That's where the "Boom!" Box comes in. Stick that free hand in your pocket and activate the "Boom!" Box, and "Boom!" you just made that feller's day. And your day, too, if you're amused by inventions like that...

#38: The Instant Acronym Machine


Say you holding a protest to dogs being dressed up in those cute little sweaters they have at Petco. Plug your cause into the Instant Acronym Machine (I-AM), and it'll give you three non-lame options to choose from, like: People Against Dressing Up Pets (PAD-UP); Owners Against Dog Sweaters (OADS); or even Humans Against Canines In Sheep Products (HACISP). Convenient for Fantasy Football leagues, sister projects of PETA, and Tea Partiers that don't want to be called Tea Partiers.

#37: Total Recall

OK, so you had this really amazing dream, right? Like, one that rivals all others in the awesomeness category? But you can't remember it for the life of you! That's where Total Recall comes in handy. It retraces your memories, and translates every thought pattern into a fully playable movie from your perspective. This is not to be confused with the Arnold Schwarzenegger film of the same name. Unless you dream about Arnold Schwarzenegger... in that case, you probably shouldn't be using this anyway...

#36: Laser Cats


Yes! Yes we DO need laser cats! And not just so we can make lame SNL Digital Shorts out of them! For welders, they can be a pet and a tool. For businessmen, they can be cuddly and convenient for conferences. For homeowners, a companion, and just the thing to get arguments or that family photo on the wall straitened out. So, yes, it was possibly one of Steve Martin's lowest moments, but Laser Cats deserves more than a spot on late night television.

#35: Smell-i-vision


Watching the Food Network is not a fun affair for many. Besides having to sit through two hours of Guy Fieri on any given afternoon, it invokes hate for the hosts in the hearts of the hungry... and their stomachs. So, I'm not sure whether this invention would satisfy their needs or make them go all rabid on us but, hey, for the record, many people have requested this -- it's not just an Atomic Monkey thing. The public has spoken, television companies! Step up.

#34: Spray-On Clothes

Before I go, let me just make clear to the nudists out there that spray paint doesn't count!!! I'm talking more along the lines of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs' Spray-On Shoes here. A silicone-like spray that coats your body and dries into a removable piece of clothing that you can use again some other time... and that is all I will say about that. Getting into semantics could get a little awkward...

#33: Buttered Toaster

Toast is great, but having to top and tear it up with stupid cold butter is not. That is why the world absolutely needs a toaster that you can pre-load with your favorite toppings and have them automatically toasted into the bread. There is no way it could be pointless. Toasters are great, toast is great, butter is great, household appliances are great, laundry lists are great... think about it!

(I'll be back next week with #32 - #21
on our Inventions We Need Now! series...)

Semicolons: One Small Mark of Awesomeness

Semicolons: One Small Mark of Awesomeness.
...
I didn't have any creative opening sentence, so I copied off the title.
With that random subject out of the way, let's turn our attentions to something less random yet awesome nonetheless. Semicolons have been a mark of grammatical fixation since 1600. They've also been a subject of insanity among literary novices and experts alike.

But its never been seen for how irreplaceable they are to our weird
English language.

Seriously, I'm no expert about semicolons, but I have a thing or two to say about just how awesome they truly are. I'm often asked the question, "Semicolons... is that small, or big? Because "semi-" means partial, right? But what about "semi", isn't that like, a really big truck? I mean, we've all seen 'Smokey and the Bandit', right? They drove their Trans-Am into the semi truck to escape Smokey, or whatever... And if its a semi colon, I mean, isn't that like a really big colon? Like, one that could ship a bunch of refrigerators to North Dakota, or something?"
In short: no, no, and no, I'm not familiar with that movie. But if there's one clear answer you need to hear, its this one. Take a sentence like this for example:

"The llamas wore pajamas and ate hamburgers with dogs and played Tic-Tac-Toe at the Senior Center and sang karaoke and took Lunesta and finally, went to sleep."



 While the content of that sentence is pretty cool, doesn't something about it seem a little... off? It might be just me... or just you! Now, check out this revised sentence with... you guessed it... semicolons:




 "The llamas wore pajamas; ate hamburgers with dogs; played Tic-Tac-Toe at the Senior Center; sang karaoke; took Lunesta; and finally, went to sleep."

... wasn't that just a breath of fresh grammatically correct air? Not to mention being all-around awesome!
So next time you're in a literary jam, reintroduce yourself to the non-pointlessness of semicolons. Maybe you'll even learn to like each other... yeah, maybe not.
Sorry, semicolons, but we don't need you all the time.
Connectives are pretty sweet too!

The Incomplete Timeline of the "Epic Stare"

Epic Stare [e-pick stayr] : :
noun :

1. A facial expression displayed in a moment of triumph, or when attempting to look insightful.
2. Awesomeness incarnate.

This facial expression (not to be confused with The Smolder) has quickly become one of the most overused (and rightfully so) in the past decade. You've seen it in Disney movies, during sports casts, and on Old Spice commercials of every kind. After a while, you may feel the need to wave it off as a fad. But before you do that, (keeping in mind that a fad only lasts for a short time), I present to you this historical timeline of the look that's changed every thing:
the Epic Stare.

Between 5 B.C. and 10 A.D.
Alexander the Great 

Mostly known for his continent conquering skills, this man was also accomplished in momentary displays of awesomeness, as portrayed by this mosaic of a
primitive epic stare.



1775 A.D.
Paul Revere

While Mr. Revere took all of the credit for warning our colonies of the arrival of the British Navy, Paul Revere also had two hobbies to his name: metalwork, and staring. After pretty much saving our country, his stare was forever, and epically, altered, to what we now know as
the famous expression.







A.D. 1943
Uncle Ben's Rice

By this point in our nation's history, the Stare had silently become a part of our culture. It became an integral role in the foundations of our country, to the point that when food giant Mars decided to market its own brand of par-boiled rice in 1941, they turned to a Chicago maitre d’hotel named Frank Brown, who had the right idea in mind...





A.D. 1981
President Ronald Reagan

The White House was introduced to the game-changing effect of the Epic Stare from 1981 to 1989, when Ronald Reagan took the office of Commander in Chief. While the camera's focused on his powerful speeches and jar of blue Jelly Belly's (which were also awesome, but that's another post...), the rest of the world was slowly being fed a heavy dose of awesomeness, with Ronald Reagan's famous portrait lasting even until today in our postal system.



A.D. 2010
Ray Lewis

While not being one of the greatest football players of our time, linebacker and pop culture icon Ray Lewis spends time off, filming a multitude of Old Spice commercials and putting the Epic Stare to a whole new level of fame in the process.

Now, its 2011, and the expression has soared to new heights it has never reached previously. So, before you wave off the notion of how epic the stare truly is, consider this: you are living in the first generation of people that know this expression in an intangible way, where the look has become an important part of our humor, culture, and image. There is no time like the present to see just how big it has truly become for us... but it could just be me. Whatever though... its cool... yeah.

What Not To Do... When You're Catamaran Sailing In The Caspian Sea And You Discover The Fuselage To An Unidentified Flying Object!

*Note: Due to the urgent nature of this post, the "What Not To Do" series will be cut short for the time being. "What Not To Do... At Wal-Mart!" will be saved for a future time, for purposes of studying this guide. Until then... try to act normal at the Super Center. Its for the best.

Before I go on, I must issue a quick marine advisory: although you may have never heard such a report, THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! It may not be a fuselage, you may not be sailing a catamaran, and you may not have enough money to take the trip to Russia. But sailing can be dangerous and full of unexpected surprises, many that can put your life on the line... especially if the fuselage happens to have a heat ray. In that case, you're done.
But if it doesn't, then you may want to reference this handy guide to these sailing anomalies. Now, as you may expect, there are PLENTY of things I could say on this topic. But I'll have to condense them down to the bare minimum of details, and let you fill in the blanks. Besides, isn't this situation already specific enough? Its the very last What Not To Do, and this one may save your life...

Do Not... Carry It Ashore With A Fishing Line!
Did I mention that fishing wire conducts electricity... like, really well? And the last time I checked, space shuttles and rockets and what not, have electrical charge! Unless you want an ever scenic picture of fishing for UFO's on a barren lake in the Former Soviet Union to be your last, than leave the poles back ashore.

Do Not... Show It Off!
Why? Because Russians and government conspiracies have been holding hands since the 50's. That's why.

Do Not... Sell It On E-Bay!
Trust me, there are plenty of weird items to go around on this website: Lucky Charms boxes, Elvis's last half-eaten PB&B, Meghan the Haunted Doll... I think there's reason to assume you'll have better luck selling an old Coke can then managing to sell this thing for the right price... unless you spray paint a Star Trek insignia on the front. Then you might be in business...

Do Not... Create A Twitter Page For It!
If fuselages could talk, I don't think the first words out of their hypothetical mouths would be "Log me on to Twitter. I have work to do...", even though that would be fairly amusing. But I've never met an amusing fuselage in my life, so... I digress. Just don't do it. Its dumb, cliched, and it could possibly be an early sign of "Idonthavealife Syndrome".

Do Not... Assume That Nothing Is Inside It!

Seriously, you would have to be crazy to look inside the thing! It could have aliens, hitchhikers, alien hitchhikers, or worse: Russian hitchhikers! So, before you sell it on the black market (cause you're going to, right?), keep it in your garage, at a (trustworthy) friends house, or even throw it in a swimming pool and be prepared for an explosion if there actually is a heat ray somewhere in there.

Do Not... Tell The In-Laws!
More reason for your mother-in-law to think you're insane? I think not...

... and...

Do Not Even THINK About... Going Catamaran Sailing In The Same Place You Found The Fuselage!
You see, even our "primitive" space shuttles have tracking devices built in. They can show you where the device was last located in, in case Houston loses positioning on the ISS. You would simply have to assume that the GPS on the fuselage tracked it right down to the last moment before it hit the water. Of course, its creators would be searching for it, and, of course, any Russians in the area wouldn't dare say a word about it. Because they would like to watch some unknown terrifying event happening to you. Don't let those Caspian natives fool you! Leave Russia, and never look back!



I hope you can come away from this post with a new sense of security. Now, in case this does happen to you, you wont have to just leave the fuselage behind. If your willing to walk on eggshells for about a month, this guide can be your constant companion, and can lead you through the wonderful world of owning (a fuselage).