Our world was built through them, thrive through them, and may go down with them. The inventions of the past 100 years have defined us, from the iPad to the Slurpee. But I think we can all agree that there is no reason we can't advance! What did they say to Albert Einstein and Uncle Ben's when they were experimenting? They all said, "You're insane, you can't just redefine the laws of physics as we know them!" But they both went on to do just that, Uncle Ben's with his delicious rice, and Einstein with that whole relativity thing he had...
And to those who think that we've run out of ideas, I have just two things to say to you:
Yes, perhaps there is an argument that 7-Eleven stores have already reached the final frontier in convenience foods. But these days, people don't just want convenience: they want uber-convenience! Which is why the Big Gulp franchise needs to be expanded, in the form of a 2 gallon cooler and a yard long bendy straw (which may also count as another 1/3 of an invention)...
... OK, fine, I stole that one from Phineas and Ferb. But Dr. Doofenshmirtz had a point when he trapped every mime in the Tri-State Area in a real invisible glass box. Mimes are creepy, they need to lay off on the box thing, it was old, like, fifty years ago? And you reap what you sow, so, hey...
Some days it seems like your schedule tells you to go to the moon and back between 2:30 and 3:00. You're busy, you're talking, and one on your hands and your mouth are both filled with something you forgot was there, but you just heard someone say something that makes you wanna go "Boom!" That's where the "Boom!" Box comes in. Stick that free hand in your pocket and activate the "Boom!" Box, and "Boom!" you just made that feller's day. And your day, too, if you're amused by inventions like that...
- (Slacker), and
- Here's 43 1/3 of them:
#43 1/3: The Uber-Gulp
#42: The Slurpee Keg
And while we're on the subject of gas stations, did you know that 62% of consumers say that "they don't get no satisfaction" when buying beverages at convenience stores? It's also important to note that 73% of statistics posted on the internet are fake. But regardless, when I want my Slurpee, I want it big, which is where a keg comes in handy.
(More on 7-Eleven in a later post...)
(More on 7-Eleven in a later post...)
#41: The Mime-inator
#40: Deodorant Implants
You know those days when you know you have to wear deodorant and you really don't want to but you know you need to but it's a hassle and you can't find it and you're running late, so you go without and end up regretting it? One shot under the armpit, covered for four months. Boom. And speaking of boom...
#39: The "Boom!" Box
Some days it seems like your schedule tells you to go to the moon and back between 2:30 and 3:00. You're busy, you're talking, and one on your hands and your mouth are both filled with something you forgot was there, but you just heard someone say something that makes you wanna go "Boom!" That's where the "Boom!" Box comes in. Stick that free hand in your pocket and activate the "Boom!" Box, and "Boom!" you just made that feller's day. And your day, too, if you're amused by inventions like that...
#38: The Instant Acronym Machine
Say you holding a protest to dogs being dressed up in those cute little sweaters they have at Petco. Plug your cause into the Instant Acronym Machine (I-AM), and it'll give you three non-lame options to choose from, like: People Against Dressing Up Pets (PAD-UP); Owners Against Dog Sweaters (OADS); or even Humans Against Canines In Sheep Products (HACISP). Convenient for Fantasy Football leagues, sister projects of PETA, and Tea Partiers that don't want to be called Tea Partiers.
#37: Total Recall
OK, so you had this really amazing dream, right? Like, one that rivals all others in the awesomeness category? But you can't remember it for the life of you! That's where Total Recall comes in handy. It retraces your memories, and translates every thought pattern into a fully playable movie from your perspective. This is not to be confused with the Arnold Schwarzenegger film of the same name. Unless you dream about Arnold Schwarzenegger... in that case, you probably shouldn't be using this anyway...
#36: Laser Cats
Yes! Yes we DO need laser cats! And not just so we can make lame SNL Digital Shorts out of them! For welders, they can be a pet and a tool. For businessmen, they can be cuddly and convenient for conferences. For homeowners, a companion, and just the thing to get arguments or that family photo on the wall straitened out. So, yes, it was possibly one of Steve Martin's lowest moments, but Laser Cats deserves more than a spot on late night television.
#35: Smell-i-vision
Watching the Food Network is not a fun affair for many. Besides having to sit through two hours of Guy Fieri on any given afternoon, it invokes hate for the hosts in the hearts of the hungry... and their stomachs. So, I'm not sure whether this invention would satisfy their needs or make them go all rabid on us but, hey, for the record, many people have requested this -- it's not just an Atomic Monkey thing. The public has spoken, television companies! Step up.
#34: Spray-On Clothes
Before I go, let me just make clear to the nudists out there that spray paint doesn't count!!! I'm talking more along the lines of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs' Spray-On Shoes here. A silicone-like spray that coats your body and dries into a removable piece of clothing that you can use again some other time... and that is all I will say about that. Getting into semantics could get a little awkward...
#33: Buttered Toaster
Toast is great, but having to top and tear it up with stupid cold butter is not. That is why the world absolutely needs a toaster that you can pre-load with your favorite toppings and have them automatically toasted into the bread. There is no way it could be pointless. Toasters are great, toast is great, butter is great, household appliances are great, laundry lists are great... think about it!
(I'll be back next week with #32 - #21
on our Inventions We Need Now! series...)
Say you holding a protest to dogs being dressed up in those cute little sweaters they have at Petco. Plug your cause into the Instant Acronym Machine (I-AM), and it'll give you three non-lame options to choose from, like: People Against Dressing Up Pets (PAD-UP); Owners Against Dog Sweaters (OADS); or even Humans Against Canines In Sheep Products (HACISP). Convenient for Fantasy Football leagues, sister projects of PETA, and Tea Partiers that don't want to be called Tea Partiers.
#37: Total Recall
OK, so you had this really amazing dream, right? Like, one that rivals all others in the awesomeness category? But you can't remember it for the life of you! That's where Total Recall comes in handy. It retraces your memories, and translates every thought pattern into a fully playable movie from your perspective. This is not to be confused with the Arnold Schwarzenegger film of the same name. Unless you dream about Arnold Schwarzenegger... in that case, you probably shouldn't be using this anyway...#36: Laser Cats
Yes! Yes we DO need laser cats! And not just so we can make lame SNL Digital Shorts out of them! For welders, they can be a pet and a tool. For businessmen, they can be cuddly and convenient for conferences. For homeowners, a companion, and just the thing to get arguments or that family photo on the wall straitened out. So, yes, it was possibly one of Steve Martin's lowest moments, but Laser Cats deserves more than a spot on late night television.
#35: Smell-i-vision
Watching the Food Network is not a fun affair for many. Besides having to sit through two hours of Guy Fieri on any given afternoon, it invokes hate for the hosts in the hearts of the hungry... and their stomachs. So, I'm not sure whether this invention would satisfy their needs or make them go all rabid on us but, hey, for the record, many people have requested this -- it's not just an Atomic Monkey thing. The public has spoken, television companies! Step up.
#34: Spray-On Clothes
Before I go, let me just make clear to the nudists out there that spray paint doesn't count!!! I'm talking more along the lines of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs' Spray-On Shoes here. A silicone-like spray that coats your body and dries into a removable piece of clothing that you can use again some other time... and that is all I will say about that. Getting into semantics could get a little awkward...
#33: Buttered Toaster
Toast is great, but having to top and tear it up with stupid cold butter is not. That is why the world absolutely needs a toaster that you can pre-load with your favorite toppings and have them automatically toasted into the bread. There is no way it could be pointless. Toasters are great, toast is great, butter is great, household appliances are great, laundry lists are great... think about it!(I'll be back next week with #32 - #21
on our Inventions We Need Now! series...)
